Looking back...looking forward

^{14 -16} "If you'll hold on to me for dear life," says God,
      "I'll get you out of any trouble.
   I'll give you the best of care
      if you'll only get to know and trust me.
   Call me and I'll answer, be at your side in bad times;
      I'll rescue you, then throw you a party.
   I'll give you a long life,
      give you a long drink of salvation!"

Psalm 91  The Message

Today's posting is a bit rambling, so I'll warn you in advance.  For those of you who've been following this blog for the past 6 months or more, the fact that I'm rambling will be nothing new to you :-)

Today is one of those days that sticks out for me. It is a day that causes me to look back at the past year, past decade, my whole life past, and take stock.  Today I turn 45 years old.

When I was 18, I never pictured myself at this age.  I've never really had much of a vision of being around for a long time, and back then, 45 was a long time for me.

Ten years ago, I was just starting interim ministry and just beginning to really find the joy and intrigue in that work.  I had, in my mind, another 25 years of ministry left, and it was looking promising.

Five years ago, one of my life-long, dear friends and I talked about getting in shape and participating in a tri-athalon. I remembered that this morning as I wrestled to stand in the shower.  I also thought of her, and hope that she's closer to that goal than I am today.

A year ago...I had just started to wrestle with disability, and knew it was going to take more than a few months to heal, but truly expected to have this illness managed by my 45th birthday and be well on my way to the next stage in my life.

Today I do not have illness managed, and have in fact, been wrestling with intestinal/abdominal issues for a couple of months. It has drained the energy I had, and has kept me from doing some very important things, like Thanksgiving with my family in Michigan, seeing my son play his basketball games, writing on this blod every day, and being able to focus on things other than doctors, appointments and illness.

If I let it, these thoughts of being in a different place than I expected could make for a lousy birthday... (and could make for a real downer of a blog post ;-P ).  But as I've said before...every day we have choices that can make a difference.  Even on our 45th (or 15th, or 95th) birthdays.

You see, because today is also a day that I look forward to the next year, the next decade, the next half of this life I've been gifted with. And the words of the Psalmist give me hope. "Call me, and I'll answer" God says through the Psalmist. 

As I look to the next year, I realize how much I've grown in faith this past 365 days.  My "calling upon God" has been frequent, and often loud...and it has also been often answered.  God has spoken through scripture, through friends in Christ, through blog readers, who, at a time unbeknownst to them, became an answer to prayer. Other times, God blessed me with the marinating richness of silence in response to my cries.  That too, has made me who I am this day... 

As I look ahead to the next half of my life (ok... I'm choosing to be optimistic here -- LOL)  ...as I look ahead, I don't yet know the path that will come, but I sense purpose, closeness with God, and the warmth and joy that comes out of living out your own special gifts for the sake of others.

As I look ahead to the next decade, I see joyful times:  two children in High School, celebrating 25 years of marriage with the love of my life, two kids graduating, and then moving on to become the people they've been made to be.  I see myself participating fully with these dear ones, and it fills me with joy.

As I look ahead to the next year... now that's where the rubber hits the road, doesn't it?  Our birthdays, our decades...our lifetimes are really lived out one year...one day at a time, aren't they?  It is in the daily (sometimes even hourly) choices that we make that we become the people that we are.

I don't have control over events around me, or honestly, even the health inside of me at this point, but I do have control over how I'll respond to the changes ahead.

This year I choose to live:

As if each day were my last. Full of gratitude for those who have touched my life, and for the new people I get to meet.

I choose to live as a child of God; forgiven, beloved, full of wonder and curiousity and made to be a light for others.

I choose to live as one who treasures the present abilities of my body, not bemoaning what I can no longer do, but celebrating and working to increase what I am able to do.

I choose to live frugally- of my time, of our resources and in other ways-- clearing the clutter out of my mind, my habits, our house, and trying to surround myself and those I love with ideas and objects of value and healing.

I choose to print out this blog to remind myself of these choices in the coming year... ok, you got me-- to remind myself tomorrow!! LOL

Finally, I choose to live a life of love and compassion. The past year, in particular, has shown me more than ever before, that many, many people are facing a difficult road in life. A listening ear, non-judgemental support and care has helped me make it to 45, and perhaps I can help lighten the load for someone else in the same way, as God opens my heart to hear others that  also cry out to God for help.

If you've continued reading to this point, I want to thank you. Thank you for sharing this rambling birthday blog with me. Thank you for allowing me this blog as a place to share faith and hope, even in the midst of difficulties. Thank you for sharing the gifts that make you uniquely YOU.

Peace today and in the year ahead,
Andrea