Alive Again

When Jesus arrived, he found that Lazarus^* had already been in the tomb for four days. ¹⁸Now Bethany was near Jerusalem, some two miles^* away, ¹⁹and many of the Jews had come to Martha and Mary to console them about their brother. ²⁰When Martha heard that Jesus was coming, she went and met him, while Mary stayed at home. ²¹Martha said to Jesus, ‘Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died. ²²But even now I know that God will give you whatever you ask of him.’ ²³Jesus said to her, ‘Your brother will rise again.’ ²⁴Martha said to him, ‘I know that he will rise again in the resurrection on the last day.’ ²⁵Jesus said to her, ‘I am the resurrection and the life.^* Those who believe in me, even though they die, will live, ²⁶and everyone who lives and believes in me will never die. Do you believe this?’ ²⁷She said to him, ‘Yes, Lord, I believe that you are the Messiah,^* the Son of God, the one coming into the world.’

Jesus Weeps

28 When she had said this, she went back and called her sister Mary, and told her privately, ‘The Teacher is here and is calling for you.’ ²⁹And when she heard it, she got up quickly and went to him. ³⁰Now Jesus had not yet come to the village, but was still at the place where Martha had met him. ³¹The Jews who were with her in the house, consoling her, saw Mary get up quickly and go out. They followed her because they thought that she was going to the tomb to weep there. ³²When Mary came where Jesus was and saw him, she knelt at his feet and said to him, ‘Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.’ ³³When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who came with her also weeping, he was greatly disturbed in spirit and deeply moved. ³⁴He said, ‘Where have you laid him?’ They said to him, ‘Lord, come and see.’ ³⁵Jesus began to weep. ³⁶So the Jews said, ‘See how he loved him!’ ³⁷But some of them said, ‘Could not he who opened the eyes of the blind man have kept this man from dying?’

Jesus Raises Lazarus to Life

38 Then Jesus, again greatly disturbed, came to the tomb. It was a cave, and a stone was lying against it. ³⁹Jesus said, ‘Take away the stone.’ Martha, the sister of the dead man, said to him, ‘Lord, already there is a stench because he has been dead for four days.’ ⁴⁰Jesus said to her, ‘Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?’ ⁴¹So they took away the stone. And Jesus looked upwards and said, ‘Father, I thank you for having heard me. ⁴²I knew that you always hear me, but I have said this for the sake of the crowd standing here, so that they may believe that you sent me.’ ⁴³When he had said this, he cried with a loud voice, ‘Lazarus, come out!’ ⁴⁴The dead man came out, his hands and feet bound with strips of cloth, and his face wrapped in a cloth. Jesus said to them, ‘Unbind him, and let him go.’  John 11:17-44

Yesterday, while driving, one of my favorite songs came on the radio.  As I cranked up the volume (I was alone in the truck) I listened to the words of this wonderful song.  The story of Lazarus came to mind immediately, and the image of him walking out of the grave still covered in linens started me thinking about chronic illness... (although most everything gets me pondering chronic illness...)

"I woke up in darkness, surrounded by silence, oh where, where have I gone?"  It is an eerily familiar phrase for me.  Over the past 3 years I've found myself waking up, disoriented and wondering if the real Andrea Starn could please stand up...the answer is no, she can't, but she's laying down...

It also reminded me of a hospital trip over a year ago, and of other times when I was very aware of my mortality.  In the past I just heard this song in a figurative way, but yesterday it was very real.  At least in my experience of chronic illness, these encounters with facing my own ending have not been ultimately discouraging, but motivating.  This sense of lost-ness and disorientation has also been a gift of great clarity-- an ever growing awareness that God calls me to new life every day. 

My new life doesn't look like the old one at all.  Sometimes (ok, often...especially when it's 95 degrees outside) I become frustrated and angry that my new life doesn't resemble who I was before.  New life rarely looks like the old life.

But then in the midst of it...by the Grace of God, through a song, or a sunrise, or laughter of my dear husband, or the embrace of one of our children, or a word of compassion from a friend, I remember that I'm alive again.  I might not be, but God has called me out of the grave, and I'm alive today.

The song that touched me is linked below.  May God somehow speak through it to your heart, and may you hear that call to come alive again.