"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for you are with me, your rod and your staff, they comfort me." Psalm 23:4
The biggest lessons I've learned about myself are the ones I've learned the hard way... by living them.
I think of the lessons I've learned about grief in seminary, and how I thought that the book learning and conversation was difficult. It didn't hold a candle to standing by the bedside of my dying father, or being confronted by a colleague after I'd been acting out my anger that I hadn't worked through from another funeral.
I think of the lessons I learned about pastoral care in Clinical Pastoral Experience at The Ohio State University Hospitals, and all the group sessions where I learned about helping people to cope with illness. It pales in comparison to yesterday's lesson...
Yesterday I was in my doctor's office. I'd not met this doctor before, and after just a few questions I found myself bursting into tears. He was wonderful and compassionate and understanding.
Afterwards I contemplated what had brought about the tears, and realized that I was still having some strong emotions about being sick. The tears had caught me completely off guard. I thought I'd "already taken care of those emotions" and worked through them once. It was time for another lesson...
Now, if this were someone else, I'd have seen easily that I had more sorting and healing to do with these emotions, but because I was seeing this from the inside, I had expected that once I'd faced these feelings, I wouldn't have to encounter them again. If this were someone else I would never have expected them to have worked through the complex emotions already, but it is much more difficult (at least for me) to be compassionate and understanding of myself going through the difficult journeys than it is for me to encourage others.
Now, I share all this not as a pity party, but to point out something that I'd forgotten before I met my doctor yesterday-- the emotions we feel as we face Chronic Illness are emotions that we'll be facing over and over again in various forms. Anger, denial, bargaining, depression and acceptance are part of this journey over and over again. They do not come in neat, clean order, nor once we face them are we completely done with them once and for all.
Emotions are an integral part of coping with chronic illness, and the emotions are often powerful, difficult, and keep coming up as we keep moving forward. Just because I'm the 'trained professional' and expect myself to know how to cope with all the emotions doesn't mean I get the easy way out. The emotions are there from the various losses we face in Chronic illness, and they'll come out one way or another.
Continuing to feel anger, or denial that things are different, or bargaining or feeling depressed are all normal parts of this journey for both the chronically ill person and for the family members. Things have changed drastically and the reality can be very hard. We may try to put on a resolved, brave, strong face to protect others or ourselves, but at the heart of what we face, chronic illness is difficult and it is long-term.
Our coping can be complicated by others' comments, and our own desire for things to go back to the way they used to be. Psychologically I am sure there are good reasons why the coping is cyclical and we have to do these steps more than once, but all I know is that this is the way it works. Coping with the emotions of chronic illness in ourselves or our loved ones is something we face in layers like an onion (or an ogre* ;-)
All of this today is to say that, whatever you may be facing today, whatever might be stirred up in you because of your experience or a loved one's experience with chronic illness, it is not strange or abnormal...it is not something that you "should have already gotten over", nor is it a sign of weakness when those emotions come flooding back. It is the way this path works.
But that's not all-- there is also the hope-filled reality that we are not alone. There are others who support and pray for us, and encourage us. There are those who the Lord places in our lives who may surprise us by their support (like my doc) and who, by their understanding and care allow us to also reach again a place of acceptance and peace. That's another part of the cycle that comes around too-- acceptance. It gives us the breathing space to take the necessary steps forward in the journey and it gives us the courage and resilience to face the cycle of other emotions when they come.
Dear Lord, there are times in this journey when we find ourselves in tears of grief, or in a place of anger and lashing out, or in a place of withdrawl or denial. Whenever we are in these difficult places, O Lord, remind us that you still walk beside us. Bring us your peace, comfort and love that we may have the ability to receive acceptance, ake one more step in this journey. Amen.
*from the movie Shrek
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