When it was evening on that day, the first day of the week, and the doors of the house where the disciples had met were locked for fear... Jesus came and stood among them and said, ‘Peace be with you.’ John 20:19
When I used to preach on this text, I had compassion for the disciples-- locked away out of fear, but I never really identified with them. This year as I read this verse, I recognize that more often than I'd want to admit, I AM the disciples. Recently, I have found myself doing exactly what the disciples did...oh, not physically locking myself in a room...but certainly locking myself away by neglecting emails, not posting as much on facebook, letting the answering machine get any calls...locking myself away. Perhaps you know this place of locking away too?
When living with long term illness gets too much, when I get sick and tired of fighting every day with things that used to be simple and second nature, when I get sick of taking yet another test, or making another doctor visit, when I get frustrated, lonely, angry, upset...one of the things that I must admit that I do is cut myself off from others. Normally, in the past, when I've hit those times of overwhelm, I have been sure to contact part of my support system. After a while, though, it seems that I've contacted them with the same stuff for too long, and I lock myself away. Not an effective coping technique, but honestly, there are times when I don't care if I'm doing things the 'right' or 'effective' way. Sometimes I've had enough of this territory, and I'm angry and feeling lost and just don't know who would understand. You ever feel like this, or is this an "Andrea-oddity"? (I'll accept that too, as I know I'm quite weird in many ways ;-)
This verse from John speaks peace and hope to my heart, that even when I'm adding to my own difficulty by hiding, even when I'm not reaching out for help and I get angry when I'm feeling alone, even when I'm too overwhelmed to think straight and too tired to keep fighting...like the disciples locked away in confusion, defeat and fear...the Risen Lord still comes to me. Deep in the locked places, Jesus still seeks me out. Although I may feel lost, I am never lost to the Lord. He has kept his loving eye on me and knows exactly where I am, and what I need. In those times, a word of scripture, the verse of a song, the words of a friend, or a sense of peace and calm breaks through the locked doors of my heart to remind me that I am never alone. We are never alone, for Jesus seeks us out to bring peace and his own life-giving self, no matter where we are.
Lord Jesus, when we are in the place of overwhelm, anger and fear, come to us. Help us see that you gently pass through even our toughest walls to bring your peace, and to be with us. Today please bless everyone who has felt the real need to put up walls or lock the doors of their heart. Go to them, and help them know they are not alone. Amen.
2 comments:
"Andrea-oddity"? Nope. I have also felt like I have contacted my support group with the same stuff for too long. I too get upset , feel angry and lost and feel like there is nobody who would understand me. But you know what, the last time I contacted my biggest support, she led me to you, someone who DOES understand.
Don't feel alone, Andrea, I too have had periods where I dont answer email, or the phone, and sometimes I even go so far as to just go sit in my room with the door shut.
You are not alone. I know exactly how you feel.
R.K. - Thank you for your kind words. I suspected that I wasn't alone in this. In fact I think this blog is a wonderful place for me to be able to voice what it may be like for some of us on this journey and perhaps give hope to someone else so that they know they are not alone.
I do understand, and I think there is healing and hope in being able to talk openly about the struggles we face. Thank you so much for your comment!
Andrea
Post a Comment