Not just a river in Egypt

“But the magicians of Pharaoh did the same by their secret arts; so Pharaoh’s heart remained hardened, and he did not listen to them, as the Lord had said. Pharaoh turned and went into his house, and he did not take even this to heart.”  Exodus 7:22-23  NRSV

When I first read this story of the Exodus and Pharaoh’s response, I wonder if he was stupid.  How could he not see what he was facing?  How could his denial be this great?

If I’m honest with myself (and Lent is an important time to be honest with oneself)  I realize that I can be just as stubborn and caught in denial as Pharaoh.  No, I’m not up against Moses and Aaron trying to free the people Israel, but I’m up against my own Exodus of sorts…finding freedom (even small amounts of it) from illness. 

I realized some of my own denial this morning when I was taking my series of vitamins.  It had been a while since I’d taken all of my vitamins. It doesn’t sound like a huge issue, but as many of you know, our systems can be pretty sensitive to changes and to deficiencies, so sticking to regular vitamins is important for me. Why hadn’t I taken them?  I didn’t use to have to take so many pills, and part of my denial is that I’m not “that sick”.  (I know, it is absurd, just like Pharaoh turning his back on the river of blood thinking that nothing important is going on.)

Denial is a part of grieving.  Folks with chronic illness can lose much: their livelihood, their familiar way of life, their understanding of who they are, and much more.  A coping mechanism, albeit a defective coping mechanism, is denial.  If we just deny that something has happened; if we just act like we always did; if we just don’t talk about it, it can’t be real.  Wow, do I resemble this sometimes!  Just get me near a delivery pizza when I’m hungry and don’t have gluten free options and I go into denial big time!!  “Gluten?  What gluten intolerance?  Nah! I can eat this pizza and it won’t have ANY effect on me!”  WRONG! 

Denial is a way of trying to live like nothing has changed. Does any of this sound familiar to you? 

I don’t like it, but I do live in the land of denial more than I want to regarding this illness.  The time I spend in denial, and in the aftermath of effects of that denial could be better used but facing the truth and coming up with a new game plan to live within the new limits.  It is not easy to do, but the first step is to be honest with ourselves. 

Is there something in your life that you need to stop denying?  Is there something that you need to face, and then find a game plan for coping with?

The first step is to be honest about our denial. The second step is to forgive ourselves and realize that denial is normal, but not productive.  Beating ourselves up will just waste energy and it is another twisted form of denial—it denies that we can actually do something to change the situation, and turns that energy sideways to blame it on self. 

A productive step is to make a game plan.  It doesn’t need to be perfect, but taking steps to start is a huge step away from denial.  It’s like Pharaoh turning around and saying, “Ok, I see there’s something going on. What do I need to do to face it?”

Today (and I’m telling you this publicly, so that I don’t keep denying that I need to do it J)  I am going to type up a check list of vitamins and meds. Then I can daily remind myself the timing and dosage of each pill, and keep myself accountable for taking it.  Will I do it perfectly?  Yeah…no.  My track record is that I will deny it again, but each step we take toward breaking the denial cycle helps us get stronger and better and moving forward.  And next time I need to break this particular vitamin denial, it will go a bit quicker, and will help me onto the track of caring for myself better.

How about you?  Have you been doing any swimming in denial lately?  If you have, please do what you need to do to take good care of yourself.  And please, always feel free to post or email me your thoughts and comments about your journey.

Peace,

Andrea

Dear Lord, it is amazing how we can deny things that are as plain as the nose on our face. Help us to see through the protective device of denial, and help us to be productive in becoming healthier, mentally, physically and spiritually. Lead us lord out of the land of denial.  Amen.