Feisty Tuesday- words and a song

."Fight the Good fight of faith" 1 Timothy 6:12a
...sometimes on this journey, we just have to get feisty.  Those times come for me when I least want to fight back against the illness--those times when I'm so worn out, and so discouraged that I feel like a marathon runner who has hit the 'wall'. 

Until I faced years of the same illness, I didn't understand...


People sometimes tell me that they are amazed by how I am facing chronic illness, but they don't usually see the rough days: the days when I can barely get out of bed, and when I cry out in frustration--when I fight red tape and fill out forms, and feel like I'm talking to walls-- they don't see the reaction to "the test is normal"--which is both a sigh of relief, and a sigh of frustration that we still don't know what we're facing...


Being amazing has nothing to do with it...it sheer stubbornness...and the deep, soul understanding that giving up is not an option. 


The very odd blessing in this experience is that the deeper we reach inside ourselves for strength, the stronger the power is that comes out.  At some point, we run out of our own strength, you see, and the power that comes as we're grasping is God's own grace. As Natalie Grant says, "my brokenness helped me to see, it's Grace I'm standing on..."


Whatever you are facing today, I wish for you a healthy dose of feistiness, and fight  (not at those who love and care for you), but to put toward breaking through what is standing in your way.


May the words and music of Natalie Grant's song give you some energy and some fight~ (This is one of my favorite songs to keep moving, dig deeper and trust God more)


Blessings to you,
Andrea


I have been the wayward child
I have acted out
I have questioned Sovereignty
And had my share of doubt
And though sometimes my prayers feel like
They're bouncing off the sky
The hand I hold won't let me go
And is the reason why...

[Chorus:]
I will stumble
I will fall down
But I will not be moved
I will make mistakes
I will face heartaches
But I will not be moved
On Christ the Solid Rock I stand
All other ground is sinking sand
I will not be moved

Bitterness has plagued my heart
Many times before
My life has been like broken glass
And I have kept the score
Of all my shattered dreams and though it seemed
That I was far too gone
My brokenness helped me to see
It's grace I'm standing on

[Chorus]

And the chaos in my life
Has been a badge I've worn
Though I have been torn
I will not be moved

[Chorus]

Aaron Shust - My Hope Is In You

Let all that I am wait quietly before God,
      for my hope is in him.
Psalm 62:5

Reminders for us all~

You say: 'It's impossible' ..................... God says: All things are possible (Luke 18:27)
You say: 'I'm too tired' ........................ God says: I will give you rest (Matthew 11:28-30)
You say: 'Nobody really loves me'........ God says: I love you (John 3:1 6 & John 3:34 )
You say: 'I can't go on'........................ God says: My grace is sufficient (II Corinthians 12:9 & Psalm 91:15)
You say: 'I can't figure things out' ......... God says: I will direct your steps (Proverbs 3:5- 6)
You say: 'I can't do it'.......................... God says: You can do all things ( Philippians 4:13)
You say: 'I'm not able' ......................... God says: I am able (II Corinthians 9:8)
You say: 'It's not worth it'........................ God says: It will be worth it (Roman 8:28 )
You say: 'I can't forgive myself'............ God says: I Forgive you (I John 1:9 & Romans 8:1)
You say: 'I can't manage'..................... God says: I will supply all your needs ( Philippians 4:19)
You say: 'I'm afraid' ............................ God says: I have not given you a spirit of fear (II Timothy 1:7)
You say: 'I'm always worried .............. God says: Cast all your cares on ME (I Peter 5:7)
You say: 'I'm not smart enough'..............God says: I give you wisdom (I Corinthians 1:30)
You say: 'I feel all alone'..................... God says: I will never leave you or forsake you (Hebrews 13:5

I have to admit that I've said all of these at one time or another. Thank you to my friend Joan for sharing these with me.  I don't know about you all, but I need reminders.
peace to you,
Andrea

ps- this week has been, and continues to be a week of tests (and testing!) in various ways for me, as they try to determine the cause of the ongoing abdominal pain I've been having.  I share this to ask for your prayers for the docs, and staff, and for some wisdom in facing this week.  I also share this, as I want those who may be new to this blog to realize that what is written here is not from some lofty view, but from someone who faces daily along with you, the challenges of understanding and managing ongoing health issues.
Lastly, I share this to let you know that I may be "out of it" for a few more days and not posting, as anaesthesia usually lasts about twice as long for me to recover from than it used to.
My prayers continue for you all as well, as you face this day and this week. Blessings~  A.

Saturday prayers

"Let my prayers rise before you as incense. The lifting up of my hands as the evening sacrifice."

As I reflect this week on prayer needs, my heart is deeply moved by  folks that are facing uncertainties:  uncertainty in their relationships with others, uncertainty in their medical diagnoses, uncertainty in their financial situations, uncertainty of the location of loved ones, uncertainty in their health situations.

Please keep in your prayers:

Those who are searching for missing family members or friends.

Those recovering from surgery and procedures.

Those awaiting diagnosis.

Those awaiting disability benefit decisions.

Those awaiting Social Security benefit decisions, appeals and/or hearings.

Those who are trying their best to make the best of the situation they find themselves in and are faced with loneliness, disease, or other hardship.

Those who are struggling in relationships.

Those who are facing uncertain futures in any way.

O Lord, hear our prayers~

Not a caravan of despair...

"Come. Whoever you are. Wanderer, worshipper, lover of leaving. Come. This is not a caravan of despair. It doesn't matter if you have broken your vow a thousand times, still come and yet again come."” Rumi

Throughout the past weeks, I've been surprised by the number of good friends who have commented on how sorry they were for what I've been going through.  Their kindness and compassion didn't surprise me...it is very much like these dear folks to say this and mean it...what surprised me was my reaction. 

 You see, I don't feel like I'm in such a bad spot. That may be truly puzzling for most people who read this blog and hear me talk regularly of the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual struggles that I face, and that many people with long term health issues face.  The goal of this blog is to make a safe place to speak about the 'stuff' that those on this journey face, because to my knowledge there aren't that many places where we're honest about the many facets of  chronic mental and physical challenges.  It would be easy to see this journey as trudging and difficult, because, there are times when it really is.

What surprised me recently was that I was caught off guard by my friends' comments precisely because I wasn't feeling that burden of this journey.  Let me explain...I think there's something important here, but I'm not quite finding the words for it. 

You see, in all the pain, the struggle, the doubt, the challenge of this wilderness, I've also found incredible blessings and peace...almost like those amazing vivid desert flowers that bloom in the most barren places.  There is a beauty and a richness that I'm experiencing in life right now that I can't quite articulate yet.   Even though I was up much of the night last night with belly pain and nausea, and there  are real concerns that surround us in many ways, God's presence is very precious.  I won't say that I feel God's presence in all of this, because, frankly I've also had some of the most difficult heart-to-hearts with God in the past year--railing, weeping, yelling...and yet...

As one of my favorite Sufi poets, Rumi, says this is not a caravan of despair. This journey has tested the limits of my body, my mind, and my faith...and I've found his words ring true.  God still beckons me to come...just as I am, today. 

Perhaps that's the surprise...this wilderness has tested my understanding and experience of Grace like nothing else in my life. I've been at the end of my rope more than I can count, and more than I want to remember, and yet the Grace has embraced each and every time.  And God says, Come, and yet again Come, my child.

This journey is not one that I would have chosen. But it is where I find myself. It is not a journey of despair, and this blog is not a caravan of despair.  It is a caravan of hope.  I'm glad you are here reading this.  I'm glad I am here.  Even if we've broken our vow a thousand times, come and yet again come.  



 Come. Whoever you are. Wanderer, worshipper, lover of leaving. Come. This is not a caravan of despair. It doesn't matter if you have broken your vow a thousand times, still come and yet again come.

Lord of surprises, you show us blessing in the wilderness and hope where others may only see despair at first glance.  Help us to hear your welcome on this journey of life, and help us to speak your words of hope and life to others, no matter what they are facing.  Amen.”

New Year, Fresh start

²For he says,
‘At an acceptable time I have listened to you,
   and on a day of salvation I have helped you.’
See, now is the acceptable time; see, now is the day of salvation!  2 Corinthians 6:2   NRSV

It is always difficult, I think, to start back to something from which we've moved away, whether it is an exercise plan, an eating plan or a blogging schedule.  All the New Year's resolutions demonstrate that this is not an unusual experience for most people. We become busy, or ill, or tired, or life happens and we drop away from our routines.

As a person living with and through chronic illness, I think that is a double edged sword for me.  My personality type is one that thrives on change, yet I've found over the past year especially, that routines are very important for my daily functioning.  To move away from the routines takes away some of the momentum from my day, and yet trying to get back into routines seems to take even more energy than before I was ill. I need routines to help my energy, and yet when I'm out of them it takes even more energy to get back into them.   It is paradoxical, I know...

As I ponder this, it strikes me that, in my own life, when I naturally stop doing something, instead of just picking up again, I wrestle with a blanket of "failure" that I've thrown over myself.  It seems to tie into perfection--  if I can't keep a discipline fully, I must be a failure.  If I can't keep a routine, I must be a failure...If I can't get healthy.... well, you see where this goes in my head...

This sense of failure is an additional and unnecessary burden that I lay upon myself.  All of the things I named above (and many other things that  I COULD name) are not indications of failure...they are indications that I am a human being with finite limits of time, energy and power.  I don't like that.  I don't like that I have limits at all. 

The good news is that God isn't so finicky about looking at us.  God sees us/me  very clearly.  God knows who I am...knows who we are ... without question, but with an enormous amount of love. 
I balk at the idea of needing a savior-- of needing anyone-- because I think I'm supposed to do everything on my own.  To that, God gently brings me back to reality with the birth of Jesus.  We were given a savior because that's what we needed.  We weren't given someone who will push us harder, ride us harder until we finally get it right.  We were given the gift of one who understands God, and understands humanity differently, and puts himself into the middle of this struggle to destroy the "failure" blanket, and to instead wrap us in his nail scarred arms...

Perhaps this year I might be able to see that a new year is not about working harder, or pushing myself harder, but opening my heart to the acceptance and renewing grace of God.  And when I fall on my face because I forgot that...may God once again remind me that salvation is here-- not because I work at it, but because God already has accomplished it.

Indescribable God, this new year...this new day, may you open my eyes to see my need for your saving grace, and help me to see that even before I knew it, your grace already has been holding me.
ps-- to all the blog readers--
I do apologize for the lack of posting this past month. I'm continuing to have health issues with my Gastrointestinal Tract, and tests continue.  I've been using the energy I have to focus on immediate family during this holiday season, and now that a usual routine is back in place, I plan and hope to be posting here more. Thank you for your understanding and patience with this.
peace,
Andrea


Amen.