Mercyme- The Hurt & The Healer

Lenten Tuesday reflection- St. Paul and Switchfoot

Romans 7:15-25

I'm full of myself—after all, I've spent a long time in sin's prison. What I don't understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can't be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God's command is necessary.
^{17 -20}But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can't keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.
^{21 -23}It happens so regularly that it's predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God's commands, but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.
²⁴I've tried everything and nothing helps. I'm at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question?
²⁵The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different.




Lord, there are times when I don't do what I want, and when I do the opposite of what you desire.  There are times I've made a mess of me. By your grace save me, shape me and lead me into your new life.  Amen.

Big Daddy Weave - Love Come To Life (With Lyrics)

Kutless - "Carry Me To The Cross" (Official Lyric Slide)

Good morning folks,
It's been a long time since I've posted... too long...
I'm not here to give long excuses or reasons, but simply to say, as you know-- life in Chronic hope world is never predictable.  Sometimes it gets overwhelming in this wilderness, and we try the best we can to keep our feet moving forward from day to day.

The past month has been a very dry wilderness testing time for me, for many reasons. I will reflect on this in the days and weeks to come here in Lent, but for today, I'm posting a song that may inspire and encourage you.

May this song bless you as it has me, and allow you to take just one more step forward.
Hugs and prayers to you all--

One more step,
Andrea

Powerful Inspirational true story...Don't give up!

Do it Anyway

"Love your neighbor as you love yourself"



Poem found written on the wall in Mother Teresa's home for children in Calcutta:

              People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered.  Forgive them anyway.

            If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives.  Be kind anyway.

            If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies.  Succeed anyway.

           If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you.  Be honest and sincere anyway.

            What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight.  Create anyway.

            If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous.  Be happy anyway.

            The good you do today, will often be forgotten.  Do good anyway.

         Give the best you have, and it will never be enough.  Give your best anyway.

         In the final analysis, it is between you and God.  It was never between you and them anyway.

Oh God, often it is hard to love our neighbor, and more often it is difficult to love ourselves. Help us to do both...anyway.  Amen.

I still believe by Jeremy Camp with lyrics

Beautiful by MercyMe (Lyrics)

Feisty Tuesday- words and a song

."Fight the Good fight of faith" 1 Timothy 6:12a
...sometimes on this journey, we just have to get feisty.  Those times come for me when I least want to fight back against the illness--those times when I'm so worn out, and so discouraged that I feel like a marathon runner who has hit the 'wall'. 

Until I faced years of the same illness, I didn't understand...


People sometimes tell me that they are amazed by how I am facing chronic illness, but they don't usually see the rough days: the days when I can barely get out of bed, and when I cry out in frustration--when I fight red tape and fill out forms, and feel like I'm talking to walls-- they don't see the reaction to "the test is normal"--which is both a sigh of relief, and a sigh of frustration that we still don't know what we're facing...


Being amazing has nothing to do with it...it sheer stubbornness...and the deep, soul understanding that giving up is not an option. 


The very odd blessing in this experience is that the deeper we reach inside ourselves for strength, the stronger the power is that comes out.  At some point, we run out of our own strength, you see, and the power that comes as we're grasping is God's own grace. As Natalie Grant says, "my brokenness helped me to see, it's Grace I'm standing on..."


Whatever you are facing today, I wish for you a healthy dose of feistiness, and fight  (not at those who love and care for you), but to put toward breaking through what is standing in your way.


May the words and music of Natalie Grant's song give you some energy and some fight~ (This is one of my favorite songs to keep moving, dig deeper and trust God more)


Blessings to you,
Andrea


I have been the wayward child
I have acted out
I have questioned Sovereignty
And had my share of doubt
And though sometimes my prayers feel like
They're bouncing off the sky
The hand I hold won't let me go
And is the reason why...

[Chorus:]
I will stumble
I will fall down
But I will not be moved
I will make mistakes
I will face heartaches
But I will not be moved
On Christ the Solid Rock I stand
All other ground is sinking sand
I will not be moved

Bitterness has plagued my heart
Many times before
My life has been like broken glass
And I have kept the score
Of all my shattered dreams and though it seemed
That I was far too gone
My brokenness helped me to see
It's grace I'm standing on

[Chorus]

And the chaos in my life
Has been a badge I've worn
Though I have been torn
I will not be moved

[Chorus]

Aaron Shust - My Hope Is In You

Let all that I am wait quietly before God,
      for my hope is in him.
Psalm 62:5

Reminders for us all~

You say: 'It's impossible' ..................... God says: All things are possible (Luke 18:27)
You say: 'I'm too tired' ........................ God says: I will give you rest (Matthew 11:28-30)
You say: 'Nobody really loves me'........ God says: I love you (John 3:1 6 & John 3:34 )
You say: 'I can't go on'........................ God says: My grace is sufficient (II Corinthians 12:9 & Psalm 91:15)
You say: 'I can't figure things out' ......... God says: I will direct your steps (Proverbs 3:5- 6)
You say: 'I can't do it'.......................... God says: You can do all things ( Philippians 4:13)
You say: 'I'm not able' ......................... God says: I am able (II Corinthians 9:8)
You say: 'It's not worth it'........................ God says: It will be worth it (Roman 8:28 )
You say: 'I can't forgive myself'............ God says: I Forgive you (I John 1:9 & Romans 8:1)
You say: 'I can't manage'..................... God says: I will supply all your needs ( Philippians 4:19)
You say: 'I'm afraid' ............................ God says: I have not given you a spirit of fear (II Timothy 1:7)
You say: 'I'm always worried .............. God says: Cast all your cares on ME (I Peter 5:7)
You say: 'I'm not smart enough'..............God says: I give you wisdom (I Corinthians 1:30)
You say: 'I feel all alone'..................... God says: I will never leave you or forsake you (Hebrews 13:5

I have to admit that I've said all of these at one time or another. Thank you to my friend Joan for sharing these with me.  I don't know about you all, but I need reminders.
peace to you,
Andrea

ps- this week has been, and continues to be a week of tests (and testing!) in various ways for me, as they try to determine the cause of the ongoing abdominal pain I've been having.  I share this to ask for your prayers for the docs, and staff, and for some wisdom in facing this week.  I also share this, as I want those who may be new to this blog to realize that what is written here is not from some lofty view, but from someone who faces daily along with you, the challenges of understanding and managing ongoing health issues.
Lastly, I share this to let you know that I may be "out of it" for a few more days and not posting, as anaesthesia usually lasts about twice as long for me to recover from than it used to.
My prayers continue for you all as well, as you face this day and this week. Blessings~  A.

Saturday prayers

"Let my prayers rise before you as incense. The lifting up of my hands as the evening sacrifice."

As I reflect this week on prayer needs, my heart is deeply moved by  folks that are facing uncertainties:  uncertainty in their relationships with others, uncertainty in their medical diagnoses, uncertainty in their financial situations, uncertainty of the location of loved ones, uncertainty in their health situations.

Please keep in your prayers:

Those who are searching for missing family members or friends.

Those recovering from surgery and procedures.

Those awaiting diagnosis.

Those awaiting disability benefit decisions.

Those awaiting Social Security benefit decisions, appeals and/or hearings.

Those who are trying their best to make the best of the situation they find themselves in and are faced with loneliness, disease, or other hardship.

Those who are struggling in relationships.

Those who are facing uncertain futures in any way.

O Lord, hear our prayers~

Not a caravan of despair...

"Come. Whoever you are. Wanderer, worshipper, lover of leaving. Come. This is not a caravan of despair. It doesn't matter if you have broken your vow a thousand times, still come and yet again come."” Rumi

Throughout the past weeks, I've been surprised by the number of good friends who have commented on how sorry they were for what I've been going through.  Their kindness and compassion didn't surprise me...it is very much like these dear folks to say this and mean it...what surprised me was my reaction. 

 You see, I don't feel like I'm in such a bad spot. That may be truly puzzling for most people who read this blog and hear me talk regularly of the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual struggles that I face, and that many people with long term health issues face.  The goal of this blog is to make a safe place to speak about the 'stuff' that those on this journey face, because to my knowledge there aren't that many places where we're honest about the many facets of  chronic mental and physical challenges.  It would be easy to see this journey as trudging and difficult, because, there are times when it really is.

What surprised me recently was that I was caught off guard by my friends' comments precisely because I wasn't feeling that burden of this journey.  Let me explain...I think there's something important here, but I'm not quite finding the words for it. 

You see, in all the pain, the struggle, the doubt, the challenge of this wilderness, I've also found incredible blessings and peace...almost like those amazing vivid desert flowers that bloom in the most barren places.  There is a beauty and a richness that I'm experiencing in life right now that I can't quite articulate yet.   Even though I was up much of the night last night with belly pain and nausea, and there  are real concerns that surround us in many ways, God's presence is very precious.  I won't say that I feel God's presence in all of this, because, frankly I've also had some of the most difficult heart-to-hearts with God in the past year--railing, weeping, yelling...and yet...

As one of my favorite Sufi poets, Rumi, says this is not a caravan of despair. This journey has tested the limits of my body, my mind, and my faith...and I've found his words ring true.  God still beckons me to come...just as I am, today. 

Perhaps that's the surprise...this wilderness has tested my understanding and experience of Grace like nothing else in my life. I've been at the end of my rope more than I can count, and more than I want to remember, and yet the Grace has embraced each and every time.  And God says, Come, and yet again Come, my child.

This journey is not one that I would have chosen. But it is where I find myself. It is not a journey of despair, and this blog is not a caravan of despair.  It is a caravan of hope.  I'm glad you are here reading this.  I'm glad I am here.  Even if we've broken our vow a thousand times, come and yet again come.  



 Come. Whoever you are. Wanderer, worshipper, lover of leaving. Come. This is not a caravan of despair. It doesn't matter if you have broken your vow a thousand times, still come and yet again come.

Lord of surprises, you show us blessing in the wilderness and hope where others may only see despair at first glance.  Help us to hear your welcome on this journey of life, and help us to speak your words of hope and life to others, no matter what they are facing.  Amen.”

New Year, Fresh start

²For he says,
‘At an acceptable time I have listened to you,
   and on a day of salvation I have helped you.’
See, now is the acceptable time; see, now is the day of salvation!  2 Corinthians 6:2   NRSV

It is always difficult, I think, to start back to something from which we've moved away, whether it is an exercise plan, an eating plan or a blogging schedule.  All the New Year's resolutions demonstrate that this is not an unusual experience for most people. We become busy, or ill, or tired, or life happens and we drop away from our routines.

As a person living with and through chronic illness, I think that is a double edged sword for me.  My personality type is one that thrives on change, yet I've found over the past year especially, that routines are very important for my daily functioning.  To move away from the routines takes away some of the momentum from my day, and yet trying to get back into routines seems to take even more energy than before I was ill. I need routines to help my energy, and yet when I'm out of them it takes even more energy to get back into them.   It is paradoxical, I know...

As I ponder this, it strikes me that, in my own life, when I naturally stop doing something, instead of just picking up again, I wrestle with a blanket of "failure" that I've thrown over myself.  It seems to tie into perfection--  if I can't keep a discipline fully, I must be a failure.  If I can't keep a routine, I must be a failure...If I can't get healthy.... well, you see where this goes in my head...

This sense of failure is an additional and unnecessary burden that I lay upon myself.  All of the things I named above (and many other things that  I COULD name) are not indications of failure...they are indications that I am a human being with finite limits of time, energy and power.  I don't like that.  I don't like that I have limits at all. 

The good news is that God isn't so finicky about looking at us.  God sees us/me  very clearly.  God knows who I am...knows who we are ... without question, but with an enormous amount of love. 
I balk at the idea of needing a savior-- of needing anyone-- because I think I'm supposed to do everything on my own.  To that, God gently brings me back to reality with the birth of Jesus.  We were given a savior because that's what we needed.  We weren't given someone who will push us harder, ride us harder until we finally get it right.  We were given the gift of one who understands God, and understands humanity differently, and puts himself into the middle of this struggle to destroy the "failure" blanket, and to instead wrap us in his nail scarred arms...

Perhaps this year I might be able to see that a new year is not about working harder, or pushing myself harder, but opening my heart to the acceptance and renewing grace of God.  And when I fall on my face because I forgot that...may God once again remind me that salvation is here-- not because I work at it, but because God already has accomplished it.

Indescribable God, this new year...this new day, may you open my eyes to see my need for your saving grace, and help me to see that even before I knew it, your grace already has been holding me.
ps-- to all the blog readers--
I do apologize for the lack of posting this past month. I'm continuing to have health issues with my Gastrointestinal Tract, and tests continue.  I've been using the energy I have to focus on immediate family during this holiday season, and now that a usual routine is back in place, I plan and hope to be posting here more. Thank you for your understanding and patience with this.
peace,
Andrea


Amen.

6. God Is With Us - Casting Crowns

¹⁴Therefore the Lord himself will give you a sign. Look, the young woman^* is with child and shall bear a son, and shall name him Immanuel.^*  Isaiah 7:14


Blessed Christmas to you all~
Andrea

But Who May Abide the Day of His Com

Looking back...looking forward

^{14 -16} "If you'll hold on to me for dear life," says God,
      "I'll get you out of any trouble.
   I'll give you the best of care
      if you'll only get to know and trust me.
   Call me and I'll answer, be at your side in bad times;
      I'll rescue you, then throw you a party.
   I'll give you a long life,
      give you a long drink of salvation!"

Psalm 91  The Message

Today's posting is a bit rambling, so I'll warn you in advance.  For those of you who've been following this blog for the past 6 months or more, the fact that I'm rambling will be nothing new to you :-)

Today is one of those days that sticks out for me. It is a day that causes me to look back at the past year, past decade, my whole life past, and take stock.  Today I turn 45 years old.

When I was 18, I never pictured myself at this age.  I've never really had much of a vision of being around for a long time, and back then, 45 was a long time for me.

Ten years ago, I was just starting interim ministry and just beginning to really find the joy and intrigue in that work.  I had, in my mind, another 25 years of ministry left, and it was looking promising.

Five years ago, one of my life-long, dear friends and I talked about getting in shape and participating in a tri-athalon. I remembered that this morning as I wrestled to stand in the shower.  I also thought of her, and hope that she's closer to that goal than I am today.

A year ago...I had just started to wrestle with disability, and knew it was going to take more than a few months to heal, but truly expected to have this illness managed by my 45th birthday and be well on my way to the next stage in my life.

Today I do not have illness managed, and have in fact, been wrestling with intestinal/abdominal issues for a couple of months. It has drained the energy I had, and has kept me from doing some very important things, like Thanksgiving with my family in Michigan, seeing my son play his basketball games, writing on this blod every day, and being able to focus on things other than doctors, appointments and illness.

If I let it, these thoughts of being in a different place than I expected could make for a lousy birthday... (and could make for a real downer of a blog post ;-P ).  But as I've said before...every day we have choices that can make a difference.  Even on our 45th (or 15th, or 95th) birthdays.

You see, because today is also a day that I look forward to the next year, the next decade, the next half of this life I've been gifted with. And the words of the Psalmist give me hope. "Call me, and I'll answer" God says through the Psalmist. 

As I look to the next year, I realize how much I've grown in faith this past 365 days.  My "calling upon God" has been frequent, and often loud...and it has also been often answered.  God has spoken through scripture, through friends in Christ, through blog readers, who, at a time unbeknownst to them, became an answer to prayer. Other times, God blessed me with the marinating richness of silence in response to my cries.  That too, has made me who I am this day... 

As I look ahead to the next half of my life (ok... I'm choosing to be optimistic here -- LOL)  ...as I look ahead, I don't yet know the path that will come, but I sense purpose, closeness with God, and the warmth and joy that comes out of living out your own special gifts for the sake of others.

As I look ahead to the next decade, I see joyful times:  two children in High School, celebrating 25 years of marriage with the love of my life, two kids graduating, and then moving on to become the people they've been made to be.  I see myself participating fully with these dear ones, and it fills me with joy.

As I look ahead to the next year... now that's where the rubber hits the road, doesn't it?  Our birthdays, our decades...our lifetimes are really lived out one year...one day at a time, aren't they?  It is in the daily (sometimes even hourly) choices that we make that we become the people that we are.

I don't have control over events around me, or honestly, even the health inside of me at this point, but I do have control over how I'll respond to the changes ahead.

This year I choose to live:

As if each day were my last. Full of gratitude for those who have touched my life, and for the new people I get to meet.

I choose to live as a child of God; forgiven, beloved, full of wonder and curiousity and made to be a light for others.

I choose to live as one who treasures the present abilities of my body, not bemoaning what I can no longer do, but celebrating and working to increase what I am able to do.

I choose to live frugally- of my time, of our resources and in other ways-- clearing the clutter out of my mind, my habits, our house, and trying to surround myself and those I love with ideas and objects of value and healing.

I choose to print out this blog to remind myself of these choices in the coming year... ok, you got me-- to remind myself tomorrow!! LOL

Finally, I choose to live a life of love and compassion. The past year, in particular, has shown me more than ever before, that many, many people are facing a difficult road in life. A listening ear, non-judgemental support and care has helped me make it to 45, and perhaps I can help lighten the load for someone else in the same way, as God opens my heart to hear others that  also cry out to God for help.

If you've continued reading to this point, I want to thank you. Thank you for sharing this rambling birthday blog with me. Thank you for allowing me this blog as a place to share faith and hope, even in the midst of difficulties. Thank you for sharing the gifts that make you uniquely YOU.

Peace today and in the year ahead,
Andrea

Haendel - Messiah - Comfort ye my people

Comfort, O comfort my people,
   says your God.
² Speak tenderly to Jerusalem,
   and cry to her
that she has served her term,
   that her penalty is paid,
that she has received from the Lord’s hand
   double for all her sins.

³ A voice cries out:
‘In the wilderness prepare the way of the Lord,
   make straight in the desert a highway for our God.
⁴ Every valley shall be lifted up,
   and every mountain and hill be made low;
the uneven ground shall become level,
   and the rough places a plain.

Isaiah 40:1-4

There are two pieces of Handel's Messiah that follow- as musically they are almost one piece.  This is from a BBC documentary and the comments at the beginning are almost as beautiful as the music. Peace to you in this Advent season-
Andrea

Every valley shall be exalted- Messiah, Haendel.

1. Sinfonia (Overture). Messiah, G. F. Handel. AD LIBITUM. Francesc Gamon

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. ²He was in the beginning with God. ³All things came into being through him, and without him not one thing came into being. What has come into being ⁴in him was life,^* and the life was the light of all people. ⁵The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not overcome it.
John 1:1-5