Not always what I think I want...always what I need

‘Ask, and it will be given to you; search, and you will find; knock, and the door will be opened for you.For everyone who asks receives, and everyone who searches finds, and for everyone who knocks, the door will be opened." Matthew 7:7-8 NRSV

I am stubborn. I may have already confessed that here before, but if I didn't, you may have picked up on that a bit. My bishop was always kind about it and said that next to the definition of 'tenacious' in the dictionary you could find my picture :-) .  Yes, you know you're stubborn when your bishop calls you stubborn ;-)
(friends and family-- posting about my stubbornness not necessary-- I KNOW you all have stories~)


In the right places, stubbornness and tenacity have their place.  As the Chinese proverb says "fall down seven times get up eight". This chronic health wilderness requires a good bit of stubbornness out of us so that we keep going.  However, it can easily work against us.  In my own experience, my stubbornness plays itself out in making me believe I have to do things all by myself.  It convinces me that if it is going to happen, I have to do it, and no one else will help me.  It convinces me to journey into isolation. I know that much of this journey can be lonely and it does require great tenacity on our part to keep going.  We do need to cultivate our own inner voice that keeps encouraging us- that chronic hope of our own that allows us to keep putting one foot in front of the other. 


But that voice that tells us that we "cannot depend upon anyone else", that "no one else could possibly know what we're facing", and "the only way to keep going is alone"  that voice is deceived.  It is speaking out of fear and distortion. 

In the past when I've read this Gospel reading from Matthew, I've always seen it in the back of my mind as kind of a divine Santa Clause image: "What do you want?  I'll give it to you"  Now, I know better than to see it this way, but there's always the hope... 
This passage has been powerful in my work in congregations, as many of us do not think in terms of really asking God what we're suppposed to do in our future as a church.  We work on our own to come up with strategies and ideas, but asking God to be in the picture--- I mean truly, wholly in the picture, where we'll listen to where God is leading--now that takes skill and a LOT of trust.

In the chronic illness wilderness, at some point in the journey, I hink many of us learn that 'getting well' (whatever that means in our circumstances)  is not as simple as ask and it will be granted. God is no genie with three wishes to give us, but God is the one who is in relationship with us and walks with us as we learn the life lessons we are meant to learn through this illness.

So what does this have to do with isolation and stubbornness?  Today I want to suggest another way to look at these words from Jesus-  my suggestions are in italics.

Ask (for what you need to make it through this day, and your eyes will be opened to see that God's sufficient grace surrounds and supports you in countless ways) Seek (those who can support and comfort you as you face the future, and you will find that God has already placed in your life people who will share God's love with you in countless ways) knock (and you will likely find that you are knocking on the door from the inside, but until the door of your heart is opened you cannot see it).

Loving God, in our stubbornness, fear and just plain exhaustion, it is difficult sometimes for us to come to you. Help us to remember that we were made to be in relationship with others and with you. Help us to ask, grant us grace to seek how you already give much of what we're looking for, and give us courage to knock so that we may see and understand  when we're on the inside of the door and already recipients of your mercy. Amen.