Shelter for the Weary

"In you, O Lord, I seek refuge; do not let me ever be put to shame; in your righteousness deliver me." Psalm 31:1 NRSV

Something I've noticed about this territory of chronic illness is that, at least for me, there are some emotions that continue to be traveling companions.  Unfortunately, one of the "emotional traveling companions" that comes to mind today is rather difficult to walk with: vulnerability.   Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines vulnerability as "the quality or state of having little resistance to some outside agent. "  Another definition is to be susceptible to attack from outside or within. 

Wow. That seems to speak to the experience of illness, at least for me, on a variety of levels. For some of us with chronic illness, an outside agent (virus, chemical, trauma ) attacked our bodies. For others, an inside "agent" (cells growing wild out of control, a genetic illness that clicked in, or a chemical imbalance or deficiency) attacked our status quo and we fight illness. 

But that's just the beginning...as the psalmist speaks of shame, that may resonate in our lives as well.  The stigma of certain illnesses (even though disease is disease), the difficulty of having to stop normal activities, or having to perform activities with the aid of equipment like a wheelchair, or the aid of medicines can leave us feeling a sense of shame or embarassment, even though it is not our 'fault'.   The reality of this chronic illness territory is that it is hard work...and very often made harder because of the vulnerability...to further illness or to continuing struggles with the emotional vulnerability that it brings. 

I try very hard to continue to put a positive attitude forth with the changes and challenges of chronic illness. I work to keep seeing the opportunities and the privileges that God most certainly sets forth on the path of this journey, but so many others don't see the positive --they see the challenge, and the wilderness and the vulnerability.  Surrounded by a society that doesn't really 'get' this territory, it is not hard to become weary of keeping our head above water (emotionally speaking).  It's hard not to become weary of the messages of shame that can permeate our best defenses as the world around us obsesses about health and beauty, and it's not hard to become weary as we try to physically keep going from day to day. 

Vulnerability and weariness are not signs that we're doing anything wrong...they are just signs that we are traveling a tough terrain.  Just like we wouldn't blame ourselves for experiencing heat and dust in the desert, we need to not blame ourselves when we get weary and feel susceptible to attack.  In the desert, you prepare with water and shelter, and it would seem good advice for us to prepare too. 

Fortunately, we don't have to rely upon what we started with, but we can learn and keep preparing along the way, and we have a Lord that walks with us to shelter and to guide.  When we are feeling weary of the territory, when we are feeling too vulnerable, when we are just plain weary of the energy it takes to make it through some of our days, there is a loving God who seeks to draw us in, protect us and give us strength.
We need only call upon him to find refuge from the vulnerability of our situation, and defense against our sense of shame.

Are you feeling weary today?  Vulnerable?  I encourage you to think of or write down one situation or feeling from which you are seeking shelter and protection.  In your mind's-eye, (or in your hands if you wrote it down) lift up that situation to God. See the Lord take it, and remove it from you to a place it cannot harm you. Notice that God is so very much bigger than the situation or emotion, and yet the Lord comes to protect and shelter YOU.  If this situation or emotion is very powerful, you may need to hand it over to the Lord several times.  In my experience, it's not because God can't handle it, but often I won't let it go, and will keep holding onto it.  Remember- no blame if you have to let go more than once. This is very rough territory and you are doing your best. You and are I doing what we are able to do.  The sheltering presence of God doesn't depend upon OUR ability, but upon God's righteousness.  It depends upon God being God, and that is very good news.

Protective God, shelter your weary ones under the shadow of your wing. All those who feel vulnerable physically, mentally and spiritually we ask you to hold safe in the hollow of your hand.  Thank you for being a refuge for the weary, and renew our spirits by your strong and tender touch.  Amen.