You want me to do what??

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not rely on your own insight.
In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make straight your paths."  Proverbs 3:5-6

As the were fitting me for a CPAP mask two nights ago, the realization hit me-- I've been through some pretty funky things on this health journey. I've trusted doctors and techs with a lot of power in the hope that I might get well.

You want to put a mask on me at night that will blow air in my lungs to help me sleep, and reminds me of scuba diving?  Sure!

You want to strap me to a table, tilt me up to various degrees, put an adrenalin-like substance in my body that will make my heart race and see if I'll pass out?  Sure! (Hey, tell me again why that cardioloist is on standby over there....)

You want me to fast for 5 hours and every 30 minutes take blood from my arm, leaving me feeling weak and lousy and finding out that the test was normal later?  sure!

You want to put a needle in between the vertebrae in my spine and take out some fluids, the risk of which is that I will have the worst headache and pain of my life to where I won't be able to stand without vomiting, and will have to be in the hospital for 3 days on a caffeine drip and have something called a blood patch on my spine?  Sure!

You want to put radioactive materials in my veins and get pictures of what things look like?  (can't even remember how many times I've had these kinds of tests done...)   Sure!

You want to put a device into my femoral artery and snake it up into my heart to take pictures of my heart? Sure!

There's more, but you get the picture :-)    I'm absolutely certain that  each of you could add some bizarre test or procedure as well...something that was necessary in diagnosis or treatment, but when you stop to think about it was really very weird.

So, as I'm laying there with the mask on that is pumping air at me (which by the way helped me sleep better, and I can't wait to be hooked up to it at home )  it struck me that I've been very trusting of the doctors and nurses that have ordered my tests and procedures.  They have earned my trust, and I have had GREAT docs to work with.  But each time, no matter how unusual or uncomfortable the test (yes, I did the tilt-table TWICE!)  I trusted that the process would help me get some answers.

Have I been that trusting of God?  Honestly, not really...

You want me to stop working because my body is in such distress?  No, I don't think so... ( I waited about 6 weeks after my wise and insightful Bishop urged me to take care of my health)

You want me to trust that what is happening here will be useful to your Kingdom, and that you are not through with me yet?

You want me to trust that this wilderness I find myself in is a place where you are still very much with me?  yeah...having a hard time with that some days.


Why is it I will trust strangers to do things, but when it comes to trusting the Lord who made me, I hesitate?
Why is it that I will undergo truly uncomfortable things, but when the Lord nudges me to rest and care for myself, I balk?
Why is it that I can trust medical professionals almost without question, but the one who is my Savior and Redeemer gets the brunt of my questions, doubt, fear and anger?

I could come up with all sorts of excuses and reasons that actually sound "reason-able"  but the bottom line is still there and still comes at me like the air of the CPAP...I am being called to trust God.  On this wilderness where I feel lost many days, and fatigued to the bone...in this place where I feel like I've been knocked from a horse at times, and need encouragement to get up...in this time in my life where I wonder what God could possibly do with a broken one like me, the God who raised Jesus from the dead speaks: "Trust me, dear one. I have given the most precious things I have to rescue you, and I will never leave you.  Trust me at least as much as you trust the doctors.  I will not desert you, but will show you the way through this wilderness.  You are precious to me, and I will not leave you."

Who are we trusting today?  Are we willing to risk our faith lives at least as much as we trust and risk our physical lives to doctors and nurses?  

"Gracious Lord, you lead us through remarkable things. Today help us to recall the ways we've trusted the medical professionals that have touched our lives, and give us the courage to risk trusting you at least that much.  Give us your presence as we move through this wilderness time in our lives.  Amen.