Loss

"Yet whatever gains I had, these I have come to regard as loss because of Christ. More than that, I regard everything as loss because of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord." Philippians 4:7-8

 

Two days ago I posted this scripture verse along with Casting Crowns’ song “To Know You”.  It was a word of hope, yet I struggled with posting it.  It is a favorite song of mine, and has spoken to me powerfully in the midst of loss…and yet, if we don’t also speak about the reality of loss, the hope sounds hollow.  I’ve learned over the years that if I don’t address the truth of loss in my life, or in the lives of others, any word of hope that is spoken sounds like a quick fix, or a brushing away of the pain.

 

So, today I am compelled to turn the focus to the reality of loss in long-term illness, both mental and physical.  (Note, I am intentional to keep mentioning mental chronic illness as well, because while little seems to be addressed to chronic physical illnesses, even less attention goes to the struggle of long term mental illnesses.  Both are life-changing, and both can be powerful faith growing times.)

Where do we even start with this conversation-- when the symptoms first start being noticed, or at diagnosis?  In reflecting on my own experience and the experience of those dear to me, it seems that we’d be more correct to talk about ‘losses’. It is not just one event, but a series of losses that come at different times.  I’d like to name some of the losses that may be experienced:

• Loss of physical abilities- (may be ongoing and cumulative- or sudden and complete)
• Loss of mental abilities- (may be ongoing and cumulative- or sudden)
• Loss of concept of self- the loss of how we think of ourselves (ie- strong, powerful, sharp, capable, able to handle anything, healthy…)
• Loss of relationship- the loss of how relationships used to be with others (often there is a change, from subtle to distinct); and the loss of certain people in our lives ( there are some who no longer contact us when we become ill- perhaps out of not knowing what to do)
• Loss of a sense of place in our family or society- “Our family is known for… and now I can’t do that particular thing.” 
• Loss of income- long term illnesses can be debilitating to the point of forcing people to resign, go on disability or retire  in the prime of their lives. This loss has physical effects, ie- financial struggles; as well as mental and spiritual effects-  What is my purpose?  What am I good for? 
• Loss of peace of mind-  every ache and pain that used to be ignored now may be noticed, and along with it may come the wondering if something else is being lost.  It can feel like waiting for the other shoe to drop.
• Loss of innocence about our health- many of us know much more about the things that can go wrong in the human body than we’ve ever known or ever wanted to know before.  While learning about the miraculous workings of the body can be inspiring, I’ve also seen that when facing difficulties, people who know more can also envision more catastrophic endings.  There’s a loss of the sense that ‘Everything’s going to be alright’, primarily because everything already isn’t alright.

These are just a few, and I touched on each of these major losses just a bit. Each of these can be very painful, and combined together, they can be hard to explain and hard to navigate.  Also, the timing of each of these is not set.  It’s not necessarily true that once you face the symptoms you start to encounter these, or once you’re diagnosed you are hit by all of these.  They often take place over time, and in my life, I realize the losses often not at the time they are happening, but later.  It can take a while for things to sink in.

Back in November and December when I first started to work on managing the difficult symptoms of the relapse, I was so busy focusing on just getting through the next day and making sense of it that I wasn’t aware of the loss.  Only recently, as things have settled down have these very powerful feelings of loss surfaced

What I am trying to say is that there is no set pattern for this, nor is there any ‘typical’ loss.  You may have or may be facing any or all of these or a combination that I haven’t even named.  Loss is normal. Painful, but normal.  There is nothing wrong with you if you are experiencing any of these things…it is part of this territory.  Nor is there anything wrong with you if, months after diagnosis or months down the road from here you find yourself feeling the loss.  We each will experience the timing in different ways.

I would encourage you, no matter what you are feeling or how it is hitting, to choose good, mature, sensitive people to support you.  Ask them to walk with you in this time, and consider strongly getting in touch with a counselor or therapist. Just as you are careful to choose which doctors to help you through this, I’d encourage you to be careful in choosing which people to support you.  Friends, family, pastors, counselors can all be helpful, but not all family, friends, pastors or counselors will know how to help.  Listen to your heart and your gut, and be selective of who you share your loss with.

Precious and important things have shifted in your life. It is real and it is often extremely painful. Having people who will also treat these losses with the precious care that is needed can be very healing. 

The cross also reminds us that we have a God who understands significant loss, and chose to be with us right in the middle of the darkest times.  The Lord will not leave us even as loss surrounds you and me.  The cross is not an easy answer, nor is it something to give hollow hope.  Instead, the cross reminds us that God knows first-hand the depths of loss, and yet also brings transformation and real hope even to the hardest losses.

May you know the love of God, and the support and care of others in the middle of your losses.

Peace,

Andrea

Dear loving God, sometimes the losses we face can hit us like a freight train. Other times they can sneak up on us and accumulate until they feel like a burden we can no longer carry.  Help us this day as we face many losses. Encourage us, hold us and guide us through this dark and difficult territory.  Amen.